


To the Ancient Fear of Love

by kjmc



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, this is gonna be long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-04-13 22:51:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14122560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjmc/pseuds/kjmc
Summary: Arthur didn’t open up to people. He knew how it went. Invariably, those he got close to were lost or hurt. He’d learned that much as a child.Merlin was getting too close. Too close to his father. Too close to figuring it out. Too close to him.Title is from Hypochondriac for Heartache by Nathaniel Orion (orionthehunter.bandcamp.com)





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur didn’t open up to people. He knew how it went. Invariably, those he got close to were lost or hurt. He’d learned that much as a child. The one person he’d been open with, the one person who knew him was a child his age he’d met in the woods during a hunting trip with his father. He’d wandered away from their camp the first time and had come across the Druid boy. Ever since that first time, he snuck away from the camp to meet up with him. No harm came to him, and he had a friend.  
  
Until his father found out. He was 8 and had been talking to Cynwal for nearly 2 years by the time he did. Arthur was dragged away, trying to keep his mind on the fact that his friend had gotten away as his father beat him. He started training the next day.  
  
He didn’t like to think about _before_. The fact that there was a _before_ meant that now, something had changed. That something was wrong. If he could pretend this was how it had always been, he could pretend it didn’t mean much. He told himself it was training. He was a knight, and a prince. He had to be prepared to endure anything. If he could take this from his own father, he would be able to withstand anything an enemy may do to him. That was what he told himself.  
  
It wasn’t what he believed. It wasn’t how he felt. What he felt was his father’s anger. What he felt was a constant aching pain, so constant that it had almost become nothing to him. What he felt was the blame and guilt for his mother’s death.  
  
What he felt was that Merlin was getting too close. Too close to his father. Too close to figuring it out. Too close to him.

\---

He had just come to Camelot when it truly started, he supposed. Sure, he hated Arthur at the time, but not _really_. He hated his arrogance, his unwillingness to see how his actions touched others. But from the moment he’d seen Arthur, Merlin had known how attractive he was. Objectively. He only had a couple days in Camelot before he was made Arthur’s servant.  
  
It happened slowly. At first, their closeness started and stopped with the fact that they worked together, lived in the same – admittedly, massive – building, and Merlin was helping Gaius, so Arthur couldn’t hide from him. Merlin quickly learned the signs that Arthur was hiding his pain, holding something back. It was only a matter of months before Arthur couldn’t hide his pain from Merlin anymore. That was how Merlin got close to a man who had always been taught that vulnerability and closeness were weaknesses. Completely accidentally.  
  
Within months, Merlin noticed a pattern. Arthur seemed to be getting hurt by training at least once a week, despite nothing seeming to hit hard enough to leave the bruises he had. Even with no strong blows, Merlin would see bruises during Arthur’s bath. It was rare to see him without any. Even though nothing seemed to hit that hard. Even though the knights were always careful to not actually hurt the Prince, Arthur had no reason to do the same for them, yet none of them had any. There was no sense to it. There wasn’t any type of training that it happened during. No real pattern.  
  
It wasn’t until another few months passed that Merlin saw what was happening. Some noblemen were visiting, which meant that all the servants in the kitchen were otherwise busy. Which meant that for dinner, Merlin was there to serve Arthur and Uther. Usually, he was only with them during parties – he’d be there when the noblemen were having dinner. Today was different. Today, it was just Arthur, Uther, and Merlin. Merlin stood back in the corner, out of view of both Arthur and Uther. Able to see if they needed anything, see if they raised a hand to ask him for something. He was silent, and he allowed his presence to be forgotten. That was how Merlin learned the secret of the royal family. That they were nowhere near as perfect as Uther let the public think. That Arthur feared his father.  
  
Every time Uther lifted his hand to call Merlin over, Arthur would tense. As if he expected any hand lifted by his father to come down on him. Just as Merlin realized the pattern, he saw evidence of his suspicion. Uther raised his hand, and as Merlin took a step to fill his cup again the previously relaxed fingers curled into a fist. Arthur looked up, glancing toward Merlin as he moved his arms to cover his face. And Merlin saw something in Arthur he hadn’t truly seen before. Fear.  
  
Merlin didn’t even have the time to process what was happening before it was over. Arthur had curled up, making his back and side more vulnerable to shield his face as Uther dealt blow after blow, then walked off as if nothing happened.

\---

As soon as Uther left the room, Arthur straightened in his seat, smoothed out his shirt, and stood, all vulnerability gone from his face. He stood as if nothing had happened, walking out of the room moments after his father, his intent for Merlin to follow going unspoken.  
  
They returned to Arthur’s chambers, Arthur sitting at his desk to finish the few tasks he still had. Merlin made sure Arthur’s bed was ready, then started preparing a bath for him.  
  
“I didn’t ask for a bath, Merlin.” Arthur didn’t even bother looking up from his work.  
  
“It’ll help with the bruising.” He said quietly, looking over at Arthur. He saw him tense, as if not talking about it meant that Merlin didn’t know, meant that it didn’t happen.  
  
Arthur took his second bath that day, this time completely silent. He usually rambled on about what they needed to do that day or complained about something during the day. This was different. This was Arthur trying to close himself off while being completely open.  
  
Arthur spoke again after he crawled into bed. “Merlin?” They had this interaction every night, but tonight it seemed more intimate.  
  
Merlin looked over at him. “Hm?”  
  
“Go away.” He said, his tone only slightly different from normal. Just a hint that maybe this time, part of him didn’t mean it.

\---

Merlin couldn’t sleep that night. His initial hatred of Arthur had long ago become nothing but minor annoyance, but now it was entirely gone. Of course he acted out a bit, he was scared, and didn’t have anyone to talk to about it.  
  
He should’ve noticed sooner. The thing Arthur complained about most was dinners with his father, how ‘completely unreasonable’ he was. Despite loving his people, he was happiest when they were away from Camelot. Away from his father. The bruises that had no explanation, the fact that they were only ever under clothes. Neither of them wanted people to know what Uther was doing, it would destroy each of them. Arthur’s reputation would be ruined, people only seeing what his father did when they saw him. Uther would be seen as cruel to his own son – and if he was cruel to his son, how could he truly be kind to his people?  
  
He should’ve seen it sooner.  
  
But he didn’t, and there wasn’t any way to change it. And there wasn’t any way to stop Uther. The best he could to was try to make Arthur feel better.  
  
He started letting his touches linger a second longer, slightly softer. Not exclusively business anymore. He tried to keep himself in Uther’s eyeline, keep him aware that someone was watching, even if that someone was just a servant, hoping that it would stop him. It didn’t.  
  
Then Arthur noticed the changes.  
  
“Merlin, you don’t need to baby me.” He snapped one day as Merlin was taking off his armor again. “I’m a knight. And the Prince of Camelot. I need to be trained to endure pain, he’s been doing it this way since I was a child.”  
  
“That isn’t what he’s doing. He’s angry and taking it out on you. It will only get worse.” Merlin muttered. “He says you’re the most important thing to him. If that were true, he wouldn’t be able to hurt you.”  
  
“It’s none of your business.” Arthur said quietly, the statement softened by the fact that part of him knew that Merlin was right.

\---

It was nearly a year before Merlin was proven right. There were two visiting noblemen, each with daughters a couple years younger than Arthur. Dinner with four guests was safe, even if Arthur thought Vivian was unbearable and Elena was a mess. It was safe.  
  
It was odd, really. For once, a dinner that had Arthur thinking about how Vivian was very much so a princess, but entirely annoying and rude, and how Elena was probably the least princess-like princess he’d ever met but seemed to have actual interests and was kind. He was in the middle of a conversation with Elena, only slightly annoyed by the snorting of her laugh, when he learned that he’d underestimated his father.  
  
Arthur froze for a moment, his hand going up to his cheek where his father’s hand had struck. He had barely processed the blow itself, just the hint of pain. But Merlin had seen it. A heavy hit with a gloved hand that would bruise. Arthur just blinked a few times before returning to his conversation, trying to pretend it didn’t happen.  
  
Merlin put himself between Arthur and his father, only making a quiet sound as the hand aiming for Arthur hit him instead.  
  
Uther was furious, everyone was staring, and he couldn’t even see Arthur as he got up and left the room. He was somewhat in shock as he turned to follow Arthur, his loyalty to the Prince, not the King. He heard Uther’s voice behind him, though none of it really clicked.  
  
“You haven’t been dismissed yet.” That was for him. Then, louder, “You shouldn’t need a damn servant to protect you.” That was for Arthur. “Get back here, now.” That was for both, though neither listened. The last sentence was said in a way that if Merlin’s mind was working, he would have known that Uther was screaming, red in the face.  
  
Arthur was far enough ahead that Merlin knew it was entirely possible he wouldn’t know where he’d gone. Merlin looked around, trying to decide which way Arthur was more likely to have gone, about to go to Arthur’s chambers, when he heard slight movement and turned. He saw Arthur tucked in an alcove, going over to him. He was about to insist that he was fine, and there was nothing to worry about, and  
  
And Arthur was crying. Arthur didn’t cry. Not when one of his knights died. Not when he was wounded and dying.  
  
Not when his father beat him.  
  
Merlin sat next to Arthur, pulling him closer. “I’m fine, really. I was standing, it was just my side.” He said quietly.  
  
Arthur stayed quiet for a moment, the two of them staying hidden. He knew they would have to move soon if they didn’t want to come across Uther. But for now, what mattered was just them.  
  
“Nobody’s ever stood up for me like that.”

  


\---

For a few minutes after Arthur spoke, Merlin just held him before suggesting they go on a walk. It would take them away from Uther and give Arthur a chance to calm down. The more Merlin thought about it, the more he realized it was true. People defended Arthur. In battle, from people speaking ill of their Prince. But nobody stood up for him. Not that anyone was given a chance. Uther ensured that nearly nobody knew of how he treated Arthur. That those who did were nothing but servants. Until now. And his mistake had been clear. He thought Merlin was just a servant. He had handed Arthur the one thing he never wanted him to have – a friend.  
  
They’d been walking for nearly an hour when Merlin finally spoke again. A bruise was becoming increasingly clear on Arthur’s face. Part of it made him happy – Uther couldn’t hide this. “We should go see Gaius. He can help with the bruising.”  
  
People knew now. Not that it would change much. Uther would just be more careful. He wouldn’t hit Arthur’s face anymore. Maybe he would stop most of the time. But most of the time wasn’t enough. And he could find a way to get Merlin fired. Or executed.  
  
But people knew now. Something would change. Two neighboring kingdoms had knowledge of how Uther Pendragon treated his son. Two women who had potential futures with Arthur knew. And they were about to be telling Gaius what happened. It wasn’t just Uther, Arthur, and servants anymore.  
  
Gaius treated Arthur’s bruise while Merlin explained the events of the night. Arthur’s usual wall was back up, nothing more than a hint of vulnerability that only Merlin could see. He almost seemed more upset as Gaius was checking if there was any sign of injury on Merlin, relieved when there were none. It wasn’t much longer until the two of them returned to Arthur’s chambers. As soon as they were through the door, Arthur let his guard down again. Just enough that Merlin could tell he was trying to open up.  
  
“You were right.” Arthur muttered. “It got worse.”  
  
“ _He_ got worse.” Merlin said, going to Arthur’s cupboard to get him more comfortable clothes to sleep in.  
  
Arthur pulled off his shirt, not even bothering to try to hide from Merlin since the first time he’d seen it happen. He changed quickly, sitting on the edge of his bed and looking up at Merlin.  
  
“There’s nothing I can do about it. If I hadn’t been so stupid as a child, he wouldn’t have ever started.”  
  
Merlin decided to take the chance and sat next to Arthur, relaxing when Arthur leaned against him slightly, their shoulders pressed together.  
  
“It isn’t your fault.” He said quietly.  
  
“It is though. I never should’ve spoken to that Druid boy. I knew what my father would think. What he thinks of the Druids. It was stupid.”  
  
“What Druid boy?” Merlin asked after a moment, draping an arm around Arthur.  
  
“As a child, I would sneak away from camp when I went on hunting trips with my father. Go talk to this Druid boy, Cynwal. He was… different. He knew who I was, and he wasn’t afraid of me. He never even thought it was possible that I might tell my father. Which I never did.” He said quietly, the subject clearly a bit touchy. “But my father followed me. That night was when he started to… Cynwal ran. My father never got to him.”  
  
Merlin held Arthur closer, running his fingers through his hair. “There’s no use dwelling on the past. You can’t change it. Just use the knowledge to change the future.”  
  
Merlin stayed with Arthur that night. They’d fallen asleep with Arthur in Merlin’s arms. By the time Merlin woke up, he was in Arthur’s. He smiled at how truly peaceful Arthur looked, knowing that he only found that peace in sleep. He moved, carefully getting up so he didn’t wake Arthur up as he moved. He’d get Arthur breakfast, as he did every day. Come back, wake up Arthur. Apply more of the paste Gaius had given for his bruise to his cheek – Uther and Arthur both wanted it to fade quickly.  
  
He tried to make the day as normal as possible. But people did tend to gossip, and a glaring bruise on the side of his face meant that he was walking around confirming the rumors.  
  
Merlin treated him as normally as possible. Normal for them.  
  
Which meant Arthur making jokes at Merlin’s expense, Merlin calling Arthur a prat at every opportunity, and the two of them being in near constant contact. Hands brushing gently as they walked, Arthur’s hand on Merlin’s shoulder as they spoke quietly, Merlin’s hand on Arthur’s arm as he tried pointing out some of the more beautiful parts of Camelot that he felt Arthur wasn’t appreciating properly.  
  
Merlin convincing Arthur to go see the outer town, where people recognized Merlin before they recognized Arthur. Where Merlin was… well, popular. Where instead of being “Prince Arthur and his servant” they were “Merlin and Arthur.”  
  
Where they were people. Where they were normal.  
  
Normal for them.


	2. Chapter 2

Within a week, the bruise had faded, and Uther hadn’t dared to lay a hand on Arthur. The public had no idea, the few who had seen him were told that it had been an accident during training, that the knights were training well. But it was now common gossip among nobles. The women who had been there told their friends, so it spread from kingdom to kingdom. Word got to knights, and back to the knights of Camelot. Which put Leon in the room whenever it was otherwise just Arthur and his father.  
  
Arthur had been somewhat more relaxed lately. He was still wondering when a hit would come but was happy that it didn’t. Tonight, he had seen something wrong. His father hadn’t hit him, but he could see him holding himself back. That was almost worse. It was confirmation of what Merlin had said, and of what Arthur had feared. That it wasn’t training. It wasn’t ever training. He just wanted to do it.  
  
On the way back to his chambers, Arthur was needing to remind himself to breathe, taking in short, shallow breaths. This didn’t happen often, but it happened enough that Arthur was decent at hiding it. Until he got behind closed doors, with just him and Merlin.

\---

The door closed, and Merlin felt the hand on his arm before he saw it. He could see how much his hand was trembling, which was worrying enough on its own. Then, he looked at Arthur’s face, the concern multiplied. It wasn’t just his hands that were trembling. He could see Arthur’s chest move sharply with his short breaths, the fear in his eyes, and the color drained from his face. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it before. Hell, he worked with the physician, he saw this kind of thing plenty.  
  
But not on Arthur. And never this bad.  
  
Merlin led Arthur to his bed, sitting down with Arthur beside him. He pulled him into his arms, his heart aching as he clung to him as though his life depended on it. He wasn’t thinking as he pressed a kiss to Arthur’s temple, then rest his cheek against the same spot. He started rocking slowly, the movement hopefully soothing to Arthur.  
  
Arthur calmed down after about half an hour, his breathing almost normal and the trembling having stopped. Merlin looked down at him as he pulled back, relieved to see the color returned to his face and the fear in his eyes replaced with exhaustion. Merlin pulled back more, lifting Arthur’s shirt and pulling it off. At least there were no bruises anymore. He put a hand on Arthur’s chest, guiding him to lay down before reaching to take off his boots. He pulled the covers up over Arthur before reaching out and fixing his hair. Sure, Arthur would just be sleeping and would mess it up again soon, but he knew that he’d want to be able to pretend that everything was okay. As he turned to leave, he heard Arthur’s voice.  
  
“Merlin?”  
  
“Hm?” Merlin smiled, assuming it would be the same interaction as every night. A hint of normality.  
  
“Please stay.” His voice was quiet and gentle, more vulnerable than he’d been in years. “I don’t want to be alone.”  
  
Merlin hesitated a moment, then took off his own boots and climbed into bed with Arthur. He hadn’t stayed since that night a week ago, and it felt strange cuddling up with the Prince of Camelot. He lay his head on Arthur’s shoulder, draping his arm around Arthur.  
  
“Your shirt’s scratchy.” Arthur mumbled. Merlin shifted as Arthur started pushing his shirt up a little, instead pulling it over his head himself and tossing it toward Arthur’s laundry basket as he settled against him again.  
  
“You’re thinner than I thought.” Arthur muttered as he rests his hand on Merlin’s side.  
  
“I’m a servant, Arthur. And I grew up in a border farming town where my mother and I could barely afford to keep ourselves alive. And then you have me running around all day and Gaius has me running errands in the evenings…” Merlin was rambling again.  
  
“In that case, from now on you’ll be eating breakfast and lunch with me. Unless I’m with my father, he would never stand for it.”  
  
“If I’m eating like you, do I get to have your body too? You’re like a sculpture.” He said quietly, running his fingers over Arthur’s chest lightly.  
  
“Only if you join me in training as well.”  
  
“I don’t understand how anyone could bear to hurt you.”  
  
“You wanted to when we met.”  
  
“You were being a prat. And I didn’t know you yet.”  
  
“Yeah, but you did hate me.”  
  
“A half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole.” Merlin muttered, repeating Kilgharrah’s words from years ago.  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
  
Merlin hesitated for a moment. He knew he was safe with Arthur. He’d known that much since Arthur had said he’d been friends with a druid boy as a child. He hadn’t dared to say anything then. Not when Arthur’s mind was on Cynwal.  
  
“It means I spoke to the Great Dragon,” he said quietly. “He told me of our destinies. At least partly. He told me we’re two sides of a coin. Two halves of a whole. One cannot exist without the other.”  
  
“You spoke to him before he escaped? Why would you do that?”  
  
“I could hear him. Calling out to me. When I first got here. He called for me until I came to him.”  
  
“I never heard anything.”  
  
Merlin avoided looking at Arthur. “Did you know the Druids seek out children who can speak to each other with their minds? They’ll go around calling out for someone. Until somebody can hear them. It’s an inherently magical quality to be able to do so.” he muttered.

\---

Arthur stared for a moment, processing how that was relevant. It seemed impossible. Merlin, the most incompetent servant he’d had, a sorcerer. Until he properly thought. The odd things that happened when he was around. The fact that Merlin did always get his chores done, but his hands rarely showed it. The way things seemed to sort themselves out if Merlin was there.  
  
“And you can?”  
  
Merlin nodded. “You have no idea. I’ve been doing magic around you this whole time. Sometimes not even on purpose.”  
  
“It can be an accident?”  
  
“For those who are born with it, yes. Things are different for me than with most sorcerers.”  
  
“Different?”  
  
“The first time I met a Druid, they already knew me. By a different name. Our destinies have been foretold. Generations before us were waiting for us to be born.”  
  
“Find Emrys…” Arthur muttered, looking down at Merlin. “Before Cynwal ran off, when my father found us… he told me to find Emrys. I didn’t know what… or who he meant. But… it’s you, isn’t it?”  
  
Merlin nodded, a smile on his face. “That’s the name they know me by.”  
  
“Then why did he want me to find you?”  
  
“I told you, we share a destiny. You’re going to be a fantastic King.” He said quietly.  
  
“Then it’s obvious why I needed you. You were right, I was an absolute prat when we met. You made me a better person.”  
  
“I’m right more often than you know.”  
  
“Of course you are.” Arthur said, his voice so soft that Merlin knew he meant it.  
  
They fell silent after that, the two of them falling asleep minutes later. Arthur, comforted by Merlin’s presence and Merlin comforted by Arthur’s heartbeat.

\---

It had been nearly another month, every day going as it always had. Every night had Merlin at Arthur’s side, a different conversation each night. Sometimes, Merlin would talk about life back in Ealdor, or a story of how he’d used magic to save him. Others, Arthur would talk about Cynwal. Today, they’d been up for a few hours, Arthur doing work at his desk and Merlin finding things to clean and tidy up around the room.  
  
“Merlin?”  
  
Merlin looked up, pausing his work to look at Arthur. “Yes?”  
  
“Can you show me?”  
  
“You want me to show you? Magic?” He said the last word quietly, knowing the risk that came if anyone heard him from outside.  
  
Arthur nodded. “It’s been a long time since I saw it used not trying to hurt me.”  
  
Merlin nodded and locked the door. He hadn’t kept his secret so long just to have Uther walk in on them now. He sat on the edge of Arthur’s bed, smiling as Arthur moved to sit next to him. Merlin’s hands were trembling slightly as he held out his left hand. His eyes shone gold for a moment as he opened his hand to reveal a rose. He smiled and handed it to Arthur.  
  
“You didn’t say anything.”  
  
“I don’t have to. I told you, I didn’t practice magic. I was born with it.”  
  
“Born with it…” Arthur said, a small huff leaving his chest. “I didn’t even know that was possible before you said it.”  
  
“I’ve been doing magic since before I could speak. My mother sent me to Camelot because she found out Will knew and thought Gaius could teach me to control it better… If she found out you knew, she’d make me leave again.”  
  
“I don’t like you needing to hide this.” Arthur muttered. “Hide who you are. I know you, you would never hurt anyone if you didn’t have to. Magic or no magic, it doesn’t matter. The good will find ways to do good. The evil will find ways to do evil.”  
  
Merlin smiled slightly. “There is no evil in magic. Only in the hearts of men. Your father is blinded by hatred and grief.” He opened his palm again, a small flame that was not so much hot as it was warm in his palm. “He can’t see that there has been and always will be magic in the heart of Camelot. Saving you, saving the city. Even saving him. Saving the man who would have me dead if he found out I was doing so. The man who makes my existence illegal.” He said, noticing as the flame grew slightly and closing his hand before he lost any control of it. He took a few breaths to calm himself, then opened his palm again, replacing the flame with some small orbs of light. He sent them floating around their heads, spinning and twirling around each other.

\---

Arthur watched the lights dancing around them for a moment before his eyes fell on Merlin. He was gorgeous like this. The warm light was reflecting in his eyes, making his messy hair look even softer than it usually did, a new openness in his face. It had taken until then for either of them to realize that Merlin was just as guarded as Arthur was. While Arthur masked his fear in anger and obedience, Merlin masked his in jokes and smiles. He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Merlin’s lips, pulling back almost immediately and looking down.  
  
“I’m sorry…” he muttered, looking down.  
  
“Don’t be.” Merlin muttered, leaning in and kissing Arthur again.  
  
“Tell me everything.” Arthur said quietly, smiling at Merlin.

  


\---

They’d been talking for over an hour, Arthur occasionally asking questions and making observations. Merlin hesitated a moment, looking down.  
  
“You didn’t kill Kilgharrah. The Great Dragon, I mean. His name is Kilgharrah. I said you did because I couldn’t tell you the truth. That I sent him away.”  
  
“Why would he listen to you?”  
  
“He had to.” He said quietly. “Balinor wasn’t the last Dragonlord. His son is. The gift is passed from father to son following the father’s death.”  
  
“I’m sorry. I had no idea.”  
  
"I only met him that once. I didn’t know he was my father until Gaius told me just before we left. That was why he’d agreed to help. Because I told him I’m his son.”  
  
“I told you that no man is worth your tears. He was a good man. Would have been an amazing father had he been given the chance.”  
  
“You didn’t know. I barely knew.” He’d left the lights floating around them, the light helping to keep them both calm. “I’d just met him. He wasn’t really a father to me. Just… somebody who could have been one.”  
  
The warmth and the comfort of being with Arthur made Merlin realize something that had apparently been true for a long time. He was home. Where he didn’t have to hide. Where he’d been staying every night, where he was safe. Where he had Arthur.  
  
For the first time, he was somewhere that felt right. He was home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that is the reason for the "graphic descriptions of violence" warning. Things go VERY badly at first, but do quickly get better.

Nearly a year later, Merlin was sleeping in Arthur’s bed every night. He’d show him magic when given the chance, usually when they were out of the castle. Uther hitting Arthur was rare now, more like once every month or two instead of at least once a week like before. It had been almost two months now, and they thought he would be safe while a group of other kings were visiting, working on a treaty.

Merlin woke up to yelling, too panicked to process the words properly. He heard something about ‘with a servant’ and ‘supposed to leave after’ and ‘you didn’t even’ from Uther as Arthur was pulled away from him. It didn’t take long before Merlin knew how bad it would be this time – Uther’s focus was already on Arthur’s face, his ring already leaving small scratches – and he rushed out to the hall. He didn’t quite know what he was doing as he called guards into the room, sending another off to get Gaius. The noise brought the nearby kings into the room as well. He had no idea what was going on until he stepped back into the room, slightly calmed by the fact that guards would be there and were helping.

Merlin stared – Arthur was on the floor, Uther’s hand around his throat, the other leaving marks on his face that were already starting to show. Merlin raised his hand, about to blow Uther back.

“Merlin… don’t…” Arthur mumbled, barely able to form the words.

They were just lucky that the guards were on Uther before Merlin had a chance to do anything. Merlin rushed to Arthur’s side as soon as Uther was off him, helping him sit up and pulling him against his chest. He watched carefully as he waited for Gaius, noting the bruises on Arthur’s face, the split lip and bloody nose, the cuts on his cheek and just above his eyebrow from Uther’s ring, and the fact that his breaths were ragged, but full.

“It’s okay, Arthur. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

Gaius arrived not long after, cleaning the injuries and again giving him treatment for the swelling. Merlin stood after a moment, holding his hand out to help Arthur up. He pulled Arthur into his arms again, running his fingers through Arthur’s hair, trying to calm him down.

It wasn’t until then that Merlin remembered that some of the kings had come into the room. He looked up at them, partially expecting them to say something about Arthur being babied by a servant. Nobody said anything, but he could see the disapproving looks from the older kings. He pulled away from Arthur anyway, stepping back from him.

A young king stepped forward. He looked younger than Arthur, and Arthur had only come of age a few years ago. “I assume we’ll be continuing negotiations with you.” He said quietly. “We were never properly introduced. I’m Rowan.”

Arthur stepped forward and shook his hand, looking to the other Kings standing in the room. “Arthur.” He said quietly. He opened his mouth to speak again but found that he had no words. He just averted his gaze again, looking back to Merlin. He hesitated for a moment, then reached out to him. “Merlin?”

Merlin stepped forward again and took Arthur’s hand. He knew that soon, Arthur would be regretting showing his vulnerability in front of others, but for now it was clear how much he needed Merlin. “I’ve got you, Arthur.” He said quietly, hesitating before wrapping an arm around him, holding him from behind. He smiled as Arthur leaned in, looking at the men around them. The worst they got was some odd looks.

“You should get some rest.” Rowan said quietly, turning and gesturing for the other kings to leave. He glanced back at Merlin and Arthur, flashing a smile before stepping out of the room as well.

Merlin brought Arthur back to his bed, laying down and had Arthur lying down on with his head on his chest. He ran his fingers through Arthur’s hair. Usually, they’d be up right now, probably sitting in on a negotiations meeting that he had no input on. But Arthur was hurt, there was no meeting without Uther there, and all the kings there knew what had happened.

\---

The kings all extended their stays so that a week later, Arthur could pick up on negotiations. The cuts were healing, the bruises were fading, and Arthur was passing a sentence on his own father the day before picking up his negotiations. He had to get the council – his father’s council – to see sense in his sentence. Merlin stood behind him as Arthur spoke to them.

“You’re not listening to me. He’s committed treason.” He yelled, getting more and more distressed.

“This is far too personal for you. You were in bed with a servant, of course he reacted poorly. We’ve been discussing a possibility of his being unfit to serve for nearly a month already.”

Arthur opened his mouth, then closed it again, turning to look at Merlin. Merlin stepped forward, taking Arthur’s hand.

“It is personal for hi-”

“You are a servant, you should not be heard.”

“I’m a witness.” Merlin snapped. “It is personal for him. And if it were any other person who harmed him, you would let his opinion alone determine the sentence. And he didn’t just react poorly, he nearly killed Arthur. He’s been doing things like this since Arthur was a child.” Merlin was yelling, the council seeming to fear him despite his status. He went silent when Arthur found his words again.

“I’m not saying he should be executed.” Arthur said quietly. “He should not be allowed to rule. He should spend the rest of his life rotting away in his own dungeons.”

“Sire, we can determine he is unfit to rule. Last week’s events showed that clearly. You will be in power. We will not sentence him.”

After more hours of arguing, they decided that Arthur was right – he should be sentenced. Should be spending the rest of his life in the dungeons. It took until Arthur broke down when one of the council raised a hand at him.

The reaction was one that the council expected from knights who had seen friends die in battle, members of an army that had been nearly wiped out. The hand went up, and Arthur stepped back, tripping over the side of his chair. Merlin caught him, but he immediately pushed him away. It was the first time that Arthur pushed him away, and even Merlin was in shock from it. He watched as Arthur fell, hitting his head on his chair, then on the floor.

Merlin hesitated a moment, then stepped forward again. “Arthur?” he said quietly, calming slightly when Arthur reached out to him. He took Arthur’s hand, his other hand going to the back of his head. He pulled his fingers away, sighing in relief when there was no blood. “Arthur, it’s okay.” He muttered, pulling Arthur into his arms. He looked up at the council as Arthur clung to him as they unanimously decided on Uther’s sentence. Uther would spend his life in the dungeons, and Arthur would never have to see his father again. 

\---

“I shouldn’t be so weak.” Arthur mumbled, leaning against Merlin as soon as they got back to his chambers.

“It isn’t weak.”

“Things are better now. I should be getting better.”

“Arthur, sometimes when things get better, you feel worse.” He said quietly. “It’s like… when things are bad, you have a reason to feel bad. When things are bad, you’re scared, but you need to hold it together. But when things get better, when you’re safe and you have support, you don’t have to anymore. And when you don’t have to pretend, the truth comes out.”

Merlin watched as Arthur cuddled closer to him, hand going up to the back of his head again. “It was stupid.” He muttered. “I shouldn’t be scared like that. Things got better, I should get better. That’s how it works.”

Merlin kissed the top of Arthur’s head, the first kiss between them since Arthur had kissed him a year ago. “It’s okay, Arthur. You’re allowed to be scared.” He lay down with Arthur’s head on his chest. “I’ll keep you safe. We’re going to be okay.”

The next morning, they finished negotiations. That afternoon, Arthur’s coronation. The evening brought a celebration for both events. 

Merlin was helping Arthur get ready for the celebration, gathering everything he needed on the table. He felt something hit his back, turning and catching the shirt that Arthur had thrown at him.

“Arthur, we already know what you’re wearing tonight. You have an outfit for this kind of thing.”

Arthur shook his head. “Wear that tonight. Purple is your color.”

Merlin smiled a little, carefully getting Arthur dressed before pulling off his own pale red shirt and put on Arthur’s deep purple one. Just before leaving the room, he draped Arthur’s cape over his shoulders. “You’re going to be an amazing king.”

“I should inform the public of my father’s charges. And the result of the negotiations.”

“Don’t worry about that now. Tonight is for celebration, not work.” Merlin said quietly, smoothing Arthur’s shirt again. “Don’t focus on him. Focus on me. We’re going to have fun tonight. Take a break from work, just enjoy yourself.”

He barely finished his sentence before Arthur’s lips were on his, Arthur’s arms around his waist pulling him closer. He felt Arthur pull back after a moment and opened his eyes, a small smile on his face.

“We should get to the party.” He muttered, though he made no move from Arthur’s arms. Not until Arthur moved first, running his hands over his shirt one last time before leaving the room.

At the celebration, Merlin stood closer than he technically should have – closer even than he usually did. He knew the two of them were getting odd looks. He was standing beside Arthur instead of behind him, wearing a shirt too expensive for him to own and larger than most of his own, and Arthur was talking to him more than anybody else. In fact, his attention was entirely on Merlin until Merlin’s attention was pulled to somebody standing on Arthur’s other side.

“King Rowan.” Arthur said quietly, looking over to him. “I never had a chance to thank you.”

“No thanks are necessary.” Rowan nodded slightly at Arthur. “You were in distress and our presence wasn’t needed. You needed to be alone, just with Merlin.”

Arthur looked down. “I know, a king shouldn’t rely on a servant so strongly.” He muttered, looking down.

“I see no problem with it. Everyone has somebody like that.” Rowan smiled, looking over at Merlin. “Merlin is clearly something special.”

“Well, I do know a thing or two about being different.”

“I do too.” Rowan said quietly, turning and walking off to talk to somebody else.

Merlin couldn’t help but have his mind on Rowan the rest of the night, wondering what he meant.

\---

Merlin hesitated before knocking on the door of the room Rowan was staying in.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to disturb you, I know you’re getting ready to leave, it’s just… what you said tonight.” Merlin said quietly as Rowan opened the door.

Rowan smiled at Merlin. “You are certainly something special. To Arthur, I mean.”

“Not that. About being different.”

“What about it?”

“It seemed like… like you understood. I’ve spent every moment hiding myself.”

“I know quite a bit about hiding who I am. How freeing it is to shamelessly be who you are. It’s… It’s like after years of holding your breath, you can finally breathe again.” He muttered.

“It’s exactly like that. How do you know so well?” Merlin muttered.

“Well, I’m plenty different. And I do my best to avoid people knowing it.” He said quietly. “How are you different?”

“You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone. Arthur knows, but nobody else can. Not yet.” Merlin said. He didn’t know why, but he trusted Rowan. He waited until Rowan nodded before properly deciding that he was going to do this. That he was actually going to let someone know who wasn’t Arthur. He knew that it was a risk, to tell anyone. That it could kill him, depending on what rules were followed and which weren’t. Depending on if Rowan reported him. Depending on who Rowan reported him to if he did. Depending on how long it would be before Arthur could change the laws.

But he was going to do this. Going to open himself up to Rowan, as Rowan seemed hesitant to do with him. It wouldn’t matter anyway, he knew he could keep himself safe if it came to that.

Merlin stared down for a moment before looking back to Rowan, turning with his hand in a fist and opening it to reveal a small flame.


	4. Chapter 4

Rowan stared at the flame. He’d had no clue what Merlin could have meant by hiding who he was until it had been revealed. “You’re a sorcerer. In the heart of Camelot. How? Why would you stay here?”

Merlin smiled, closing his hand again. “I came here because of my mother. She found out my friend Will knew. Then I saved Arthur’s life when I first came here. Uther was too stupid to see that magic was being done right in front of him and insisted on giving me a reward. Of becoming Arthur’s servant.”

“That turned out alright.” Rowan said, rolling his eyes. Even he knew how ridiculous that was as a reward.

“Yeah, at first it was pretty horrible. Arthur was a complete prat when I started working. Our first interaction involved him putting me in the stocks because he was treating a servant poorly and I spoke up about it. He… well, it isn’t my information to give details about, but he preferred to act without thinking.”

“He’s clearly grown up a bit then.” Rowan said, smiling at him. “Seems you’ve done some good. For him, I mean. More good than his poor excuse of a father.”

Merlin nodded, looking over at Rowan. “Rowan… I hate to ask – I know the danger, obviously – but are you…. Are you like me?” he muttered.

“No. No, I haven’t ever practiced magic.” Rowan said quietly.

“So, you’re different but you’re not different like I’m different.”

“No. I… I’m surprised nobody’s noticed. All records show that my father had only a daughter.” He muttered, looking at Merlin, the look on his face seeming to beg that he may not have to explain.

He and Rowan ended up talking for a long time. Him telling Rowan about his friends back home – _Bryn, she’s… she’s like you. She and Will take in children whose parents can’t take care of them_ – and Rowan talking about his childhood – _my father, he didn’t like me being the prince. He was like Uther, he_ – and both finding themselves understanding better. So when Merlin finally returned to Arthur’s chambers, Arthur was already asleep. He pulled off his shirt and tossed it into the laundry basket, crawling into bed next to him, hoping not to wake him up.

“What took you so long?” Arthur muttered, rolling over and draping his arms around Merlin.

“I was talking with Rowan.” Merlin said quietly, cuddling closer to him. “I showed him. He knows about me.”

“Why would you do that?”

“He’s safe. He understands.”

“How well does he understand?”

“He knows what it’s like to be different.”

\---

It was almost another year before Arthur was able to convince the council that repealing the ban on magic was a good idea. Merlin stood proud at his side as he made the announcement to the public, announcing Merlin as the official Court Sorcerer. Merlin had been standing beside him as his servant, looking over at him surprised when he made the secondary announcement.

“If you accept, of course.” Arthur said quietly, just to him. He watched as Arthur held his hand out, inviting Merlin to step forward.

Merlin smiled and took Arthur’s hand, taking the step forward that put him equal with Arthur. “Of course I do.” He said quietly.

A moment later, they stepped back inside, still hand in hand. Merlin turned and hugged Arthur after a moment. “Thank you, Arthur.” He mumbled.

“Of course.” Arthur said quietly, holding Merlin closer and moving toward his bed. “You deserve this.”

Merlin closed his eyes, smiling as Arthur sat down, pulling Merlin into his lap. He sat with his legs folded under themselves, one on either side of Arthur.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” Arthur said under his breath, leaning up to kiss Merlin.

It wasn’t long before their clothes were scattered around the room, both were breathing heavily, and the jar of oil in Arthur’s bedside table that had gone unused since it had gotten there had been opened. Arthur lay down next to Merlin, pulling him into his arms. He kissed the top of his head gently, a smile on his face.

“I love you, Merlin.”

“I love you too, Arthur.”

\---

The next days were strange for Merlin. He would walk around town and people would come up to him, some asking for favors. It was mostly children who just wanted to see some magic, something that wouldn’t hurt them. Occasionally, he came across someone asking him to teach them. Sometimes, people wanted to know how he kept his abilities secret for so long. He didn’t hesitate to let them know that Uther was entirely oblivious, and Arthur hadn’t been much better.  
For the first time in his life, Merlin was able to openly study magic. To figure out how to do basic spells. He could tell people the real reason he was a servant but didn’t have the hands of one. He could stand at the table with Arthur during meetings, able to give input without people being upset with him for it. Could defend Camelot in the open, could keep Arthur happy. Hell, at this point, he never left Arthur’s side.

It was a regular hunting trip with the knights when they came across a Druid shrine.

“We shouldn’t be here.” Merlin said urgently. “Places like this, they’re cursed.”

Nobody saw Elyan drink from the spring in the center of the shrine. Nobody saw the moment the shrine was disturbed.  
Merlin still went to Gaius for help. Merlin may be better with magic, but Gaius was better with the history.

“The druids build shrines to bring rest to tormented souls, souls that were so badly wronged they could find no peace in the other world.”

“Why do they hang all the ribbons and flags?”

“The ancient rituals heal the ground. So that the souls of the victims can find rest. But the magic that binds the earth is delicate and is easily undone, so the ribbons and flags act as a warning.”

“Wish I’d known that earlier.”

“Did anyone touch anything?”

“No. I don’t think so. Why? What is it?”

“Anyone who disturbs the resting place risks releasing the spirit.”

He had no idea how real that concern was. It was just hours before they started to notice Elyan acting strangely. First, it was Gwaine, hearing him call out and seeing him act as though something were following him. Then it was being aggressive during training. Then freezing and talking to himself. Then not acting at all. Not speaking, not moving. Not even blinking.

It went quickly from there. It was discovered that Elyan disturbed the spirit, that things would only get worse. Then he attacked Arthur. 

His arrest meant Merlin had to do what he could to expel the spirit. What he hadn’t planned on was Elyan escaping as he tried to do so. The next morning, Arthur was attacked again. 

“Why are you doing this?

“I must avenge my death.”

“What have you done to Elyan?”

“Don’t make me kill you, I don’t want to kill you.”

Merlin was surprised when Arthur let him go. What he’d never think of was Arthur searching for him alone. Not Elyan, per se, but the spirit.

\---

The conversation echoed in Arthur’s mind.

_When he spoke to me, it wasn’t Elyan’s voice… the site was once a druid camp… evidence it was attacked… unjust nature of his death._

_Only the atonement of the perpetrator can bring the spirit peace._

He knew what he had to do. He had to go back to before. To what was now before before. When things were better before they got worse. He snuck out of the castle, finding his way back to the shrine. He would never forget the way there. It held too much of himself. What he hadn’t counted on was Merlin following. He didn’t want Merlin to see him do this, but once Merlin was with him he didn’t want to do it alone.

He walked into the camp, setting his sword aside.

“I’m here. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

“What are you doing?” Merlin muttered.

“Everything Gaius said about this place is right except for one thing. It wasn’t my father that led the raid on the Druid camp. I did.” He turned away, looking up as he heard water dripping, facing the spirit standing on a ledge above them.

“My blood is on your hands. I cannot rest because of what you did.”

“I know.” Arthur said quietly, kneeling as he stared up. “I am responsible for what happened to you. And for all the violence that happened here. When I led the attack on your camp, I was young and inexperienced. I was desperate to prove myself to my men, to my father. I told the men to spare the women and children, but I know that some of them ignored the order. And there was so much happening. I wanted to stop it. I froze.” Arthur had tears in his eyes, his voice wavering as he spoke, and the spirit came closer to him. “I didn’t know what to do. I can still hear the screams. I cannot right this wrong. Nothing I can do will ever change the horrors that happened that day. But I can promise that now that I am king, I will do everything that I can to prevent anything like this ever happening again. From this day forth, the Druid people will be treated with the respect they deserve. I give you my word.”

He watched as the spirit drew Elyan’s sword, prepared to take any punishment the boy deemed fit.

“I am truly sorry for what happened to you, Cynwal.”

He dropped the sword, had Arthur stand, and pulled him into a hug. “I forgive you, Arthur.”

“I never got to say goodbye before.” He muttered, pressing his face into his shoulder.

“Goodbye, Arthur.”

“Rest well.” Arthur muttered, pulling back from him.

He watched as the spirit left Elyan, his old friend finally able to rest. He was nearly sobbing as he caught Elyan when he fell.

\---

“I’m sorry, Arthur.” Merlin muttered, back in Arthur’s chambers. They’d gotten Elyan back to Camelot safely, and he was now asleep in Merlin’s old room – Gaius thought it may be best to keep him under observation for the rest of the night.

“I couldn’t save him.” Arthur muttered, curled up in his bed with Merlin at his side. He had his head in Merlin’s lap, Merlin running his fingers through his hair. “I couldn’t protect my only friend. I’m the one who got him killed, Merlin. What if… what if I do it again? I… what if I get you killed too, Merlin?” He curled up tighter, holding tightly to Merlin’s shirt. It wasn’t common for Arthur to cry. In fact, he’d only seen him cry twice before. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” Merlin said quietly. “Even he saw that. Your father poisoned your mind with hatred. It was his doing, not yours. I know you would never do anything to hurt me, we’ve kept each other safe this entire time, nothing is going to change that.”

“It still feels like my fault.”

“I know it does. You never did something wrong, but guilt is how you know you’re a good person.” Merlin muttered. “When you’ve done something bad, intentional or not, it feels wrong. You feel bad about it. If you were a bad person, you would never feel bad about anything. If you meant to harm, it would never feel like your fault.”

Arthur stayed silent for a moment, wiping tears from his eyes. “You’re wiser than you look. And that does help.”

“It’s almost like I’ve done more than anybody would expect.” Merlin joked.

“Almost.” Arthur said quietly, closing his eyes. “We should get some rest.”

Merlin kissed the top of Arthur’s head, running his fingers through his hair. “Of course. Goodnight, Arthur.”

“Love you, Merlin.”

“Love you too, Arthur.”

It was only moment before Arthur and Merlin had fallen asleep, managing to find peace in each other, as they always did.


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur rarely went anywhere without Merlin by his side. When he had meetings, Merlin was always involved now. When he slept, Merlin was always in his arms. When he trained, Merlin sat off to the side watching him. It was one of those days, with Merlin sitting on the ground as he watched Arthur, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It wasn’t uncommon. After all, he was the court sorcerer now, and that meant he did have occasional responsibilities, though the newness of the job meant those responsibilities weren’t exactly established. What he hadn’t expected was who it was.

“Rowan! What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you. Now.”

Merlin caught Arthur’s eye and gestured to Rowan, letting him know where he was going. He found a room for them to talk in, where Rowan would be staying if he chose to. “What’s wrong?”

“My council wants me to find a princess to marry. I’d actually like to have children. But I have no interest in having a wife. Or a husband for that matter. I have no interest in anyone, really, and I know they would want me to. And it’s just… you’re the only one who knows.” He was rambling, which Merlin recognized as the same thing he did when he was nervous.

Merlin stared down for a moment before an idea struck him. He’d talked to Arthur about marriage the night before. _I would like to have a family. But I want a family with you, Merlin. I couldn’t be with anyone who expected me to leave you._

“I might have an idea.” Merlin said quietly. “But we’re going to have to tell Arthur. He already likes you plenty, you’re a good man. Nothing’s going to change that.”

Rowan hesitated, looking up at Merlin. “First you tell me what you’re thinking of.”

It was nearly an hour later when he finished explaining it to Arthur as well.

“I was thinking, you need someone to have children with, Rowan needs someone to have children with. You need someone who wouldn’t expect you to leave me, and Rowan never would.”

“I would expect you to care for me.” Rowan said quietly. “Maybe love me, but not… not like you love Merlin. Something beyond friendship but less than true love. I’ve looked into the laws, you could marry both of us. Have a legitimate heir with me and still be properly with Merlin, and…”

“Stop. I… I’ll think about it.” Arthur said quietly. “Rowan, I’d like you to stay here for some time. I’d like to know the man I may be marrying.”

The next weeks were spent with Rowan joining them. He grew closer to Merlin quickly, as tended to happen with Merlin. It became common for Rowan to be seen hand in hand with Merlin, or the two of them watching Arthur train with Rowan leaning against Merlin. It wasn’t long before Merlin started noticing the looks from Arthur. Each started with a quick glare at Rowan, that softened within seconds to a look of longing. Longing to take Rowan’s place at Merlin’s side, cuddled up with his boyfriend instead of watching someone else do it.

Then Arthur started snapping at Rowan. Obviously putting himself between the two of them, watching Rowan closely as if expecting him to do something a step too far. That was when Rowan went quiet. Talking to Merlin less, keeping his distance between them more often, no longer leaning against him when they watched Arthur training. No longer asking him to join him for the night once a week. He was still his usual cheery self outwardly, but Merlin knew enough about him to know that the was withdrawing. And he’d seen enough to know the reason.

“You hate Rowan, don’t you?” Merlin muttered, his fingers running over Arthur’s chest. It was late enough that he thought for a moment that Arthur might have fallen asleep.

“I wouldn’t say I hate him. I just… he’s so close to you. When it’s the three of us, it feels like I’m the odd one out. If anyone is, it should be him. You and I are supposed to be dating, he’s supposed to be… whatever the hell it is he’s supposed to be. Not your boyfriend. And definitely not yours but not mine.”

“You haven’t given him a chance, Arthur. You and I… I didn’t exactly hate you, but I certainly disliked you at first. It wasn’t until that first time… with your father…” Merlin muttered. “He trusts us. He and I are so close because I know everything about him. You and I are the only ones who… who know. You and I are so close because we know everything about each other. He knows barely anything about you. Of course he’s closer to me, you’ve still got your walls up.”

Arthur stayed quiet for a moment, clearly concluding that Merlin was right. “Goodnight, Merlin.”

“Goodnight, Arthur.”

\---

Merlin woke up alone. He couldn’t think of a reason why – Arthur had no meetings today, training wasn’t until the afternoon, he had no reason to have gotten up early. He stood after a moment, wandering to their shared cupboard. He wore Arthur’s clothes most of the time at this point, and it was difficult to tell the difference now anyway so they didn’t bother to keep them separate. _Rowan. Rowan might know where he’s gone._ He quickly got dressed, leaving the room as he pulled a shirt over his head.

He stopped by Rowan’s room, hand hovering over the door.

“You have to understand, you can’t tell anyone this. Merlin knows, but he’s the only one. Nobody else knows about Cynwal, let alone him being my friend.”

“I understand the importance of secrecy.”

“Merlin thought I hated you.”

“It seemed as though you did. You were cold with me, you… you wouldn’t even talk to me.”

“I just… I hated that you could be what I can’t. You’re so open with Merlin, so affectionate, even in public.”

“You can be.”

“No, I can’t. It took me years to tell Merlin all of this. I’m only doing this now because he thinks it’s a good idea.”

Merlin smiled and turned, walking away from the room. Arthur was talking to Rowan. He was _trying._

\---

“No, I can’t. It took me years to tell Merlin all of this. I’m only doing this now because he thinks it’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

Arthur stared down for a moment, playing with a loose string on his shirt, making a note to have to it fixed. “Because I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“I…” he stopped. He hadn’t even told Merlin this. At least not outright. He had no doubt Merlin knew, but he hadn’t told him. “I’m scared of love. I know what happens to the people I love, that my loving them puts them in harm’s way. What happens to the people who love me.”

Arthur pulled his legs up to his chest, resting his head on his knees. After a moment, he felt Rowan’s arms around him, pulling him closer. He hesitated, then leaned in, resting his head on Rowan’s shoulder.

“It’s okay to be scared, Arthur.” He muttered after a moment. “The fact that you’re scared means you’re doing something meaningful. Nothing is more meaningful than love.”

“What is it with you and Merlin insisting that feelings like fear and guilt are good things?”

“Things have a way of working out right. You get an awful lot of things that you don’t need, but in due time, you will get what you need. You need Merlin, and he needs you. And you both need support. That’s what I hope to be for both of you.”

“What do you expect from us?” Arthur asked quietly. “If I decide to do this, I’d like to know what I’m committing myself and Merlin to.”

Rowan smiled, starting to play with Arthur’s hair absentmindedly. “I would expect you to care for me. Have a kind of relationship – not like yours and Merlin’s, something else – with each of you, and both of you at once. I know that you and Merlin will have an entirely separate relationship from that of the three of us, and of mine with each of you. I would expect to have children with you, producing an heir for both of us. If Merlin chooses to have children as well, I would be happy to have them, I’ve always wanted a large family.”

“He is the last Dragonlord.” Arthur said quietly. “I have no doubt he’ll want a son, even if he has no interest in having a family.”

“That was what I thought as well.”

Rowan shifted, leaning back on his bed with Arthur. He smiled as Arthur rest his head against his chest. 

“Thank you, Rowan.”

“Of course, Arthur.”

\---

When Merlin next saw Arthur, Rowan was following close behind him. Arthur walked up to Merlin and kissed him gently, smiling as Rowan walked around and stood at Merlin’s side again.

“You were right, Merlin. Talking to somebody can do incredible things.” He said quietly. He paused for a moment before looking at the two of them. “I think we should do it.”

“Arthur, are you sure?” Merlin said quietly, draping an arm around Rowan’s waist and pulling him closer.  
Arthur nodded, stepping forward and awkwardly pulling them both into a hug. “I’m sure. The situation is perfect. We talked about it, I understand. Why we should do this. Why it will help all of us to do this.”

“That, and he seems to understand now that I’m not expecting him to love me like he loves you.” Rowan said quietly, “And that I’m not expecting you to love me like that either. And that your love for me is different from that for him.”

Arthur kissed Merlin again, then kissed Rowan’s cheek before pulling away from them. “It’ll take some getting used to, but I can try. We can wait awhile before actual marriage, see how it works out.”

Merlin stepped forward, pulling away from Rowan and hugging Arthur. “I love you, Arthur.”

\---

Rowan sat on Arthur’s bed next to Merlin, watching him mend the holes he found in their clothes.  
“I have trouble believing you never learned to sew, Rowan.”

“I happen to be royalty, Merlin. Beside that, I refused to learn. Thought it was something for girls. As a child, I was somewhat defensive over things like that. Do you think you could teach me?”

Merlin smiled and looked over at him, handing him a needle and thread as well as another shirt. He turned slightly so Rowan could see his work a bit better, showing him how to mend the hole without the new seam being too obvious. Rowan looked up again as Arthur walked into the room.

“You know you don’t have to do that. We have servants. And we have more clothes.” Arthur said as he walked up to them, bending down and kissing Merlin, taking Rowan’s hand. 

“I know, Arthur. And you know that I like sewing. When I’m not ordered to do it, at least. I’ve told you a dozen times by now. And Rowan never learned, we both thought to fix that.”

“I still can’t believe I get both of you.” Arthur muttered, letting go of Rowan’s hand as he sat next to him. “You are absolutely fantastic. Both of you.”

Rowan leaned against Arthur, resting his head on his shoulder. “I didn’t think anybody would love me. Not when I’m… when I’m like this. And I have both of you. This is more than I ever could have hoped for.”

He felt Merlin’s arms around him, all of them seated close together. “Of course we love you.” Merlin said quietly. “You’re so kind. You’re incredibly brave. It’s a mystery how anyone doesn’t.”

“Nobody ever did before.”

“You told me yourself that I was the first you told.” Merlin said quietly. “It’s hard to love someone who’s hiding. You were so protective of your secret that you shared nothing of yourself. Just as Arthur never found someone he loved or who he felt truly loved him until he told me of his past. And I felt alone in the world before I told Arthur of my magic. It wasn’t the secrets we told that made us open to love, it was the raw emotion we felt from each other. We all made the same mistake. We focused so strongly on hiding the things we needed to that we forgot to show any part of ourselves.”

“How are you both so wise?” Arthur muttered. “You’re both younger than I, how do you know so much more than me?”

“Your father kept you in the dark. About as much as he could.” Merlin said quietly. “He wanted you to think just like him.”

“But you didn’t let him win.” Rowan said quietly, leaning up and kissing Arthur’s cheek gently. “You won. You made things better for everyone in Camelot.”

“I could only do it because you made things better for me first, Merlin.” He said quietly. “Because you helped me. And now you’re both helping me now. I love you. Both of you.”


	6. Chapter 6

The three of them had been together nearly a year before Arthur officially suggested their marriage. It would be like no other before in Camelot, with three people getting married all to each other. The marriage itself was complex, vows going in circles and everyone laughing a few times as confusion interrupted the ceremony. Rowan was crowned King beside Arthur. That night, the three of them all slept in Arthur’s bed, Arthur pressed against Merlin’s back, Merlin curled against Rowan’s side.

Most nights, Rowan slept in his own room, Merlin joining him some nights and Arthur joining him others. But sometimes, the three of them needed to be three. Nights like this. After a marriage and celebration, before leaving to visit Merlin’s home.

The next morning, Merlin managed to get out from between the others without waking them, packing supplies for all of them and being completely ready before either woke up. After nearly another hour of waiting, he couldn’t bear it any longer.

“Arthur, Ro, come on! We’ve got to get going.” He said, pulling the curtains open. “It’s a long ride to Ealdor. I’d know, I’ve walked it, and I’d like to have some time with my mother and my friends before it gets dark.”

Arthur rolled over, pressing his face into the pillow. “Let me sleep, Merlin.” He muttered.

Rowan sat up after a moment, nudging Arthur’s shoulder. “Come on, I’m excited to meet Merlin’s mother. And Will and Bryn.” He stood, tossing clothes to Arthur before pulling on some of his own.

\---

As soon as they were in Ealdor, Merlin was rushing to meet his mother. Rowan couldn’t help but notice how free he seemed. How here, he could be as open as he wanted. How the moment his presence was known, his mother met him with a hug. A group of children ran towards him, followed closely by two adults. One, tall with her hair in a long braid. The other a bit shorter, looking suspiciously at Arthur and Rowan.

“My boy, married to two kings.” Hunith said, smiling brightly. “If you’d told me this would happen, I never would have believed you.”

“I wouldn’t have believed me either.” Merlin said quietly, looking over at Will and Bryn.

“Married two nobles.” Will said, the disgust apparent in his voice.

“Will.” Merlin shot him a look, a sternness in his voice. “Not now. Rowan, this is my mother, Hunith.” He said quietly, gesturing to her. “And my friend Will. His wife, Bryn. Their children, Ania, Carys, Elgan, Cara. Lea must be busy, and..." he stopped, looking at the child in Bryn's arms. "You just can't stop yourselves, can you?"

Bryn stepped forward with the toddler who had drawn Merlin’s attention. “This is Ismini. We found her abandoned by the river.”

Rowan stared for a moment, eyes fixed on Bryn.

Bryn stared back, glaring slightly. “Just because I did not have the children myself does not mean I am not their mother. And I am their mother.”

“I know.” Rowan said, a smile on his face. “I’ve never met anyone like me before. Merlin told me about you. But knowing you’re out here and actually meeting you are two entirely different things.”

He watched as a smile spread across Bryn’s face, handing Ismini to Merlin. “You’re like me.” She said quietly, stepping closer to him. “Will and I thought I was the only one. I mean, of course he loves me all the same, but we thought I was alone. Of course, then we talked to – well, that’s not mine to tell.”

“As did I. Until Merlin told me about you.” Rowan said, bending down and lifting Cara, who was tugging at his shirt. He held her carefully, rocking and bouncing slightly. “It’s comforting to know that one isn’t alone.”

\---

Elgan took Arthur’s hand, pulling him toward their home. “Come on, I wanna show you something.” He took Rowan’s free hand with his own, pulling him along as well. Merlin followed behind them, Will at his side while Bryn and Hunith kept the other kids out of the way.

“Look what Father has.” Elgan said, dropping their hands and pushing aside a screen in the back of their house. “Isn’t it pretty?”

Arthur turned and stared at Will. “I had no idea you were- “

“I’m not a nobleman.” Will snapped. “You know what I think of nobles.”

“Then how did you get this?”

“It was my father’s.” Will spoke with a tightness in his voice as he turned and walked out of the house, gesturing for Elgan to come with, and taking Cara from Rowan.

Arthur and Rowan looked over at Merlin, clearly confused. 

“He’s not making any sense.”

“Commoners were forced to fight in the war.” Merlin said quietly. “Cenred is not a good king. When Will’s father died in battle, his family received nothing. He lost his mother less than a year later to an ailment that should have been treatable, had Cenred given them what they were promised.” He muttered. “Will has hated nobles ever since.”

“He’s scared.” Rowan said quietly.

Merlin nodded. “Not that he would ever admit it.”

Arthur stared at the armor. “I wish I’d known earlier.” He said quietly. “He’s a good man. He does not deserve what happened to him.”

“Nobody does.”

Over the next week, things were exceedingly normal. They slept with Arthur sat up in a corner, Merlin and Rowan leaning against him. Sometimes, some of Will and Bryn’s children would join them. That was what Rowan was going to miss – being surrounded by children. Other nights, Will would join them, leaning against Merlin. As they packed to head back to Camelot, there wasn’t a moment of silence between them.

The morning they were set to leave, Merlin was saying goodbye to essentially everyone in the village, ending with Will and his family. A tight hug from Will and Bryn, briefly holding the youngest children and promising to come back soon.

“Can’t you stay a little longer?”

“We have to get back. We have duties.” Merlin stared up at Lea. It was still strange to him, them being taller than he was. When he’d left, they were barely half his height.

“Well can’t you stay? I know that some kings are going to have stuff to do, but can’t you stay a little longer?”

“We’re starting to train the knights that are able to use basic defensive and concealment spells. I’m the only one who can teach them that. Even if we could find someone else to do it, it’s exclusively my duty.”

“What about your family here? What about us? You promised you would come back soon before, and it’s been years.”

“I know, and I'm sorry. But we have to go.”

\---

Arthur stood in front of Merlin in their chambers, Rowan beside him. Merlin was starting their lessons with magic – they wanted to know their own ability before trying to train the knights. They needed something with immediate, visible results. Which was why merlin had shown them how to summon a flame as he so often did.

Rowan went first, muttering under his breath as he held out his hand. A flame slowly grew into existence, never getting past the size of a flame on a candle, flickered a few times, then went out.

“It’s your first time trying it, Ro. That’s great.” Merlin said, smiling at him. He turned to Arthur after a moment’s pause. “Arthur… your turn.”

He held out his hand. None of them dared mention how much it was shaking. Even without his father there, the teachings still were. It was enough to make him fear success and failure.

_Failure is not an option._  
It’s magic. Sorcery.  
You are the king. You cannot fail.  
Sorcery has no place in Camelot.  
You must succeed.  
There is no success when magic is involved. 

He felt someone behind him, Rowan pulling him into his arms, chasing away the thoughts. He closed his eyes as he opened his hand. He couldn’t see what was happening, but he could feel it. A small flame in his hand, then it flicked out, returning after a second.

“Sorry, I… I panicked for a second.” Arthur mumbled. He opened his eyes, staring at Merlin instead of his hand. “What’s with that stupid grin?”

“You’re incredible at this, Arthur.” Rowan muttered.

“You saw Rowan’s. Yours went out only in a second of self doubt. Now it’s… it’s as strong as mine.”

“You said this was a simple spell, right? It doesn’t mean anything that I can do it.” He muttered, pulling away from Rowan as he closed his hand. He went to the window, sitting on the wide sill with his knees pulled up to his chest, his head against the window.

“Arthur, this is something to be proud of.” Merlin said quietly, stepping closer to Arthur. “Just because your father-“

“Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur hugged his legs tighter, resting his head on his knees. He had been proud, at first. Then his mind had turned back again.

_You are not my son._  
My son would never use magic.  
You know that’s what killed her.  
You killed her.  
You should have never been born. You are a danger to Camelot. You killed her. Her death didn’t even mean anything.  
You are embracing what killed her. You should not be King. You should be executed. Tried for treason. Condemned just as you condemned your father. 

He didn’t know when the thoughts had turned from his father’s into his own. It didn’t matter anyway. They were just as  
bad, and he couldn’t stop them.

_You’re a disgrace to Camelot. To your family. To your people. You let magic corrupt you. This is your fault._

_Nothing happened._

Merlin was happy. Camelot was safe. It had been years since they’d been attacked.

“Arthur, are you okay?” Merlin asked quietly. Arthur was sure they’d been talking to him, though he hadn’t heard a word. It was the hand on his shoulder that had brought him out of his mind, leaning against Merlin.

“I’ll be fine.” Arthur mumbled. He leaned against Merlin more, turning so Rowan could sit beside him. Like this, they were safe. They were together, quiet. The rest of the world didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that two of them were kings. That they had duties. Like this, it was just them.

\---

It was odd, taking Arthur’s place. He stood in front of a group of knights, Arthur and Rowan included. He had already tested them all – only a few had no results. Everyone else needed work. A lot of work. There would be training every day, as always. But half of them would be this. Merlin instructing, not Arthur, teaching to defend with magic instead of – and as well as – a sword.

He walked around, watching as knights practiced pushing each other over. That was it, really. Not a very good defense. Unless you could do it from far away, which was why Merlin had mastered it so quickly. Occasionally, he would see somebody attempt a counterattack. And Merlin couldn’t be prouder. They almost always failed, but they were trying and they were learning.

Arthur and Rowan worked together. Nobody wanted to be the one to accidentally injure one of the kings. Within a week, everyone had a new reason for not wanting to be paired with either of them.

Nobody wanted to go against Arthur. He was learning faster than anyone else, mastering skills almost as soon as Merlin mentioned them. Then it turned into learning things before Merlin mentioned them.

\---

“I swear, he’s doing it on instinct.” Merlin said, sitting on his old bed. He didn’t often find himself going to Gaius for advice anymore, but there were some things that still baffled him.

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Of course it is. I just don’t know how he’s doing it.” Merlin looked over at Gaius, both of them silent a moment. “You know something.”

“I know many things, Merlin.”

“You know what I meant. You know something about this.”

Another moment of silence, followed by a slow nod from Gaius.


	7. Chapter 7

“I have never told a soul. Nobody knows about this, Merlin.”

“Tell me. Whatever it is, I need to know.”

“You are aware of the circumstances of Arthur’s birth.”

“Of course I am. What does that have to do with anything?”

“You are aware that Arthur was born of magic, then. Uther never understood what that meant. Arthur was born of magic. He and it will always be connected.”

“So he just has a natural gift for it now that he’s tried?”

“I helped raise him as a child. Uther was never around, too busy hunting down dragons to be there for Arthur. Which turned out to be best for him.”

“It just put off how much he hurt him by a few years.”

“It did much more than that, Merlin. It saved Arthur’s life. He began doing magic as a young child. I was the only person who ever saw it, I taught him to control it before the crusades were over. In fact, it seemed like he had completely forgotten about it by the time his father returned.”

“And you never told him?” Merlin could hear his voice cracking, feel the anger burning under his skin. Arthur was like him. And this whole time, he could have known.

“I was planning to. Once he was old enough to understand. By then, his father spoke of magic so hatefully that it would make him fear magic. So, I decided again, once he came of age. But Uther had put a hatred for magic in his mind. I thought when Uther lost power, I might… but with the way that happened, I didn’t want to add any more tension. There… there just hasn’t been a good time.”

“That wasn’t your decision to make!”

“I was going to tell him when the right time came.”

“There was never going to be a good time! You should have seen him when he first tried. He was so scared. He hasn’t feared magic in years, not since I told him about me. And he was _terrified_. If you kept waiting for a good time, he would never know.”

Merlin rarely yelled. Not at Gaius, especially. And when he did, it had always been because of stress. Like the tension in his mind finally snapping, it was never anything more than a quick rant about how overworked he was or what a prat Arthur was being – though the second had been becoming increasingly rare. He could feel the difference in this, in his voice, in how he was holding himself. This time, he was furious, his hands shaking at his sides.

“I was trying to protect him.” Gaius insisted. It was clear that he was alright with Merlin being angry. That he knew it was justified. Knew he’d been wrong.

“You don’t understand!” Merlin yelled, standing and turning to glare at Gaius. “For you, magic may have been an old hobby you could just give up when it became dangerous. We were _born with it_. It’s who we are. We can’t just stop it!” He hadn’t noticed as he’d started crying. He had spent years covering up the anger that came with needing to hide himself constantly. He’d thought that anger was gone, that he had come to terms with it now that he was able to practice freely.

“I was just trying to - “

“I know what you were trying to do. But it didn’t work. It just made things worse for him.” Merlin walked out of the room, wiping the tears from his face before he went anywhere that someone might see him. He’d had no idea that there was anyone else like him. He’d been told that there wasn’t. He’d been told that there wasn’t by Gaius, the only person who knew. And in that moment, Merlin knew.

He had to tell Arthur.

\---

The two of them were sitting on their bed, Arthur leaning against the headboard and Merlin sitting in front of him. Merlin had tried to make it easy for him. Though, despite his ability to explain the way things work, he couldn’t seem to find a way to make it seem better than it was. Gaius had lied to both of them. With good intentions, but he had lied nonetheless. And it had made Arthur fear himself. Fear his own abilities.

“Don’t be angry with him. He had good intentions. That, and I’ve already yelled at him anyway. I mean, I was the one to hear him saying it. I didn’t know what to do with that, I guess.”

Arthur stared down. He couldn’t be angry. He was sad. Sad because he should have grown up like Merlin, with a parent who embraced his magic, who was proud of it despite having to hide it. Sad because for his entire life, he’d needed to be protected from his own father. Because he could have told Gaius and never did. Because that was the real reason he had gone off the first time he met Cynwal – he had been holding himself back too long, years, and felt a familiar itch under his skin, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it with his father around. Because he had stayed quiet while his father executed innocent people because they were suspected of magic.

“That was why I was surprised when you said you were born with it.” He mumbled. “I thought it was a curse. Gaius was wrong, he… he didn’t teach me to stop. He just taught me how to keep it under control. I still used it. Only ever when I was alone.”

“I knew you wouldn’t have stopped. I always tried, it wasn’t possible. I’d keep it in, and then something would upset me and… I would do something.”

“How… how important is it to you? Being able to do magic?”

Merlin stared down for a moment. He knew that he and Arthur had opposite experiences. Being able to continue doing magic meant everything to him. Being able to stop meant everything to Arthur. He just had to make him understand the other way.

“The second day I was in Camelot, when we fought. I used magic. Made you look like a complete idiot. Only reason you were able to get up was because Gaius distracted me.”

“I knew you cheated. There was no way you were getting that lucky.” Arthur said, a small smile on his face. “Maybe… maybe that was what it was.”

“What was?”

“I told you, there was something about you. I couldn’t put my finger on it then, but it makes perfect sense now. If we were both born with magic… that must mean we’re connected somehow.”

Merlin smiled. “Of course we are. Our destinies are intertwined. I’ve told you that before.” He hesitated a moment before returning to the story he’d been telling. 

“When we got back home, Gaius started lecturing me on how magic should be studied. Used for good. Not silly pranks or fights. But… I told him then… without magic, I’m nothing. It’s every part of me. I haven’t had a day without it. I said it then, and I stand by it now. If I can’t do magic, I might as well die.”

“Merlin…”

“There have been times when something’s gone wrong and I lost my magic. Someone’s spell, or something… I didn’t know what to do. I felt weak. Like… like if you went into battle with no weapon, no armor. I was… I was weak. And scared, and I was so tired. Each time it happened, I could barely keep myself upright. I can’t understand why anyone would stop.”

“After… After Cynwal… I did stop. At least I think I did. I thought that the person who put it on me was killed in the raid and it was done. I thought my magic died with him.”

“I’m more surprised that you could stop for that long.” Merlin said quietly. “Why did you care about stopping so much? I mean, other than your father, of course…”

“I met him because of my magic. I didn’t just wander off for no reason. I wanted to practice, and he saw me. That’s why he wasn’t afraid of me. It was all my fault, everything that happened to him. It was all me. My magic was what got him killed.”

“Arthur… you made some mistakes. When you were a _child_. It wasn’t your fault, he forgave you.”

“I wanted my magic to die with him. If it did, that meant I never had to be reminded of what happened. What I did to him… what I did to him would stay in the past. I would never have to face it again. Then… then I had to face _him_ again. That made it even worse…”

“I’m proud of you. For trying again.”

“You shouldn’t be. I was scared. You saw it go out, I was so scared that I made it stop working… Even now, my father’s ideals are still there. I’m still scared of him.”

“That’s exactly why I’m proud of you, Arthur. You were scared. You did it anyway. And your father is nothing we can’t handle. It’s not you against him anymore, Arthur. You have people who love you.”

Arthur just nodded at that, trying to calm himself down and relax. Merlin always knew what he needed, they never had to worry about that much anymore. Merlin always knew.

The two of them had nearly fallen asleep when Rowan returned, and they shifted to let him join them. Arthur’s head on Merlin’s chest, Rowan curled around his back. He would never admit to the public that he was like this in private. He knew they’d see him as soft. 

Everyone knew he was softer than his father, showing affection with his husbands and with his friends, but he knew he had to keep an edge. He was more than presentable to the public, having good friends in the lower town, regularly going out to businesses despite never needing to. He would go so far as to watch children, so their parents could have a moment of quiet. The three of them would go sit on the edge of the river together, taking a moment to themselves, the three of them leaning against each other.

The public knew he was happier. Knew he was gentler and kinder than his father. Knew he was more willing to work with them on their problems, more willing to find a solution that they could actually handle.

The public did not know that he, Rowan, and Merlin were happier than any of them would have thought possible just a few years ago. That Arthur fell asleep most nights between them, comforted by the warmth and gentleness surrounding him.

\---

Training was intense. Rowan and Arthur always worked together. Nobody wanted to accidentally injure one of the Kings, and they were happy to work together. Even as Rowan got knocked to the ground, the two of them were laughing together.

Within just a few weeks, Merlin was the only one who would pair off with Arthur, the only one who could keep up with him. And it wasn’t uncommon for them to be the last pair working, everyone else tired out or having been knocked down by their partner. And for once, Merlin understood why Arthur liked training so much.

It was _fun_. It was fun to practice what he’d known his whole life. It was fun to practice with no real risks. It was fun to go back and forth with Arthur, finding himself surprisingly well-matched. It was fun to do what he was good at.

Eventually, Merlin had to stop them. If they kept going until one of them won, they would never be finished. And they were already running over the usual training time. 

“What, are you afraid I’m going to beat you?” Arthur said, grinning.

“No. I just know that we’ll be out here forever if we wait until one of us wins.”

Arthur nodded a little, stepping forward and kissing Merlin gently. “Then I guess it’s a draw.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter before the epilogue!

**Author's Note:**

> You can contact me at nbstartrek.tumblr.com


End file.
